I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
