My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
