i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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