Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
