i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
