I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
