Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
