And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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