any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
