Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
