I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
