you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
