The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
