apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
