haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
