I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
