Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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