I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
