I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
