you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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