You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
