The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
