his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
