me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
