I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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