i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
