I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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