Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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