Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
