OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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