he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
