Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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