trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
