I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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