I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
