Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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