Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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