I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
