Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
