I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
