honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
vagina is talking i cant
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
