im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
