i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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