T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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