Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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