White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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