I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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