Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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