Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
