My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
