Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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