dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
