I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
