I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
